Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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