when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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