Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
