i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
