I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
