So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
