There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize