Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
