i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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