Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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