"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
