I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize