Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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