I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
