My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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