When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
