I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
