The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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