you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
