Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
