i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
