I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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