the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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