I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
