my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
