I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
