My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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