Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
