Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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