just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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