My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
