You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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