halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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