my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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