Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
