you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dignity is for republicans.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize