i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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