I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
