Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
