Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
