we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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