Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
