I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
