so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
pray to the hookup gods
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
