Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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