Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
