i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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