just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize