So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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