i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
