you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
