My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
