She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
