Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
