you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
