When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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