omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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