I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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